Ambrosia Star

working at a doctor’s office is hilarious.
everyone is dying, first of all. i mean not in the way that we’re all dying every day or whatever but everyone’s problem is a life and death situation. person called me in a panic because she had been sick for two days so i need to get her in immediately. sometimes i want to tell the person i’m talking to to shut up, as i have been sick for months at a time and never went to the doctor and look! i’m still breathing! but i don’t. i can’t and won’t. as funny as these dramatics are, it is entirely understandable. person with chest pain can die if not looked at soon enough, even if they think it’s heartburn (grey’s anatomy, you haunt me so much!).
but there are the special cases. a lady in particular whose goal it is to make us feel guilty enough to give her pain medication without actually diagnosing her with anything. her go to line is “i guess i’ll just die then”.
-_-
come on. you’re sick enough to lay there and die but you can’t come and let us see you? we are right next to a hospital. if you’re bad enough, we will get you what you need.
errrghghhghgh.
well anyway.
it’s fucking spring. it’s like.. a month away. it’s morning by the time i leave my apartment. i am. the. excite.
my car (Harley Quinn) is kinda acting up though, so i’m going to be super bummed if by summer, she dies. she was a 300 car, so there’s only so much i can ask of her. but it’s been so nice to have the freedom to go where i want. after not having a car for about 5 years, i have the ability to do what i want, pretty well when i want (assuming i have enough gas, heh).
i’m going to spend the weekend watching the first season of scrubs and drinking whipped cream vodka. wish me luck on doing absolutely nothing.

i have this weird thing where i’ll set these goals for myself, 90% of them being internet based. 365 projects (which i happen to be actually doing this year so far??), writing projects, crocheting to sell stuff on etsy (i should probably just do crocheting to begin with), and uh.. i dunno. other stuff is probably food related. i still have no idea how i’ve happened to stay under 500 pounds. anyway, the weird thing is i set these goals knowing i’m going to fail most of them. it’s not healthy, i’m sure. but i guess i do it so that at the end of the year or season or summer i can say “well, at least i did something right!”
so in december of last year i said i would write more on this blog. and i have, but not as much as i would like to. i mean, i have my tumblr, and a much bigger following on there, but this needs to be more about me and less about the awesome memes that are on the internet or whatever. i need to focus on writing more. or at all.
so this is me trying again, only i’m going to do things a little differently. i’m going to maybe jazz this place up a bit. this blog design right now is really white and plain and that’s because i wanted to focus mostly on the pictures. with me not taking as many pictures anymore, maybe i need to change things around. or maybe i need to take more pictures again. whatever.
i start a new job tomorrow and i am both thrilled and nervous. the job i have been at for the past five years has made me lost all respect for any company that will employ anyone. they took me for all i had, didn’t pay me sometimes, never gave anyone raises there and then expected me to stay if they offered me a position that had more responsibilities but yet the exact same pay.
fuck. that. no.
so i’m off in a whole different field. medical. i bought scrubs over the weekend. i’m wearing scrubs to work starting tomorrow (by the way, wearing pretty much pajamas to work? don’t mind if i do.) and i get to go in and sit down and not help anyone with their computer (erm, maybe the doctor who needs his printer fixed already). i get to just go in and do my job and not hate everything.
but like i said, my old job left me with a bad taste in my mouth. it’s like a bad relationship and you always feel like you will forever be cheated on. this new job said ‘you’ll get a raise after three months’. and i’m SO SO skeptical about that fact. even though i know it’s true, there are two people i know who work there currently that have actually gotten raises i’m just so.. cynical about the whole job market. it has messed me up in a divorce type way (should i sign a prenup this time??).

let’s start off with this: there is no way whatsover that i am going to word this that is going to make you understand. so read on if you want, just don’t expect to understand. expect to judge me based on what i’m about to say.

i got my first dslr 5 years ago. i had slrs, and i loved them. before that i had polaroids and whatever else i could get my hands on. for as long as i can remember, i’ve loved taking photos. i used to think it was magic when i was younger. my grandpa was big into polaroids, and i still have a lot of polaroids that he had taken from wherever he went whether it was to the mountains or halfway across the country. it’s in my blood.

fast forward: i get my canon rebel xt. i love this camera. i take pictures of everything. i discover photoshop and start processing the hell out of photos. i resize them to be something like 480 x 600 (eesh) and post them all over my live journal, then myspace. then i get INTO photography. i get paid for my first gig. i sell the xt, buy a new one, sell it, get an xs, sell it, get a t1i. i’m on a camera roll. i discover the importance of NOT resizing my photos the way i did.
then i start to lose the LOVE for it and start to get way too involved in the technicalities of it. i take a picture, but i delete it because it’s too blurry, even though the moment was captured well. i become that guy who has a camera everywhere, but no one sees the pictures because i become too critical about them and i can’t even show my family. something in my changes, and i am no longer a photographer, i’m an asshole with a camera.
last night i made the decision to get rid of my camera. i thought about putting it away somewhere, giving it to a friend to use for a while, just something that gets it out of my immediate reach. because i am spoiled with it right now, and i’m taking it for granted. i made the decision, and then i slept on it. i thought if i could have horrible nightmares about me missing my camera so much that i couldn’t breathe without it. and then i woke up, and i had slept well. no nightmares, just piece of mind.
so, i’m selling it. if i give it to someone, i’ll ask for it back; and quickly. if i store it somewhere, well, that’s just a waste of a camera. so today i listed it on a few different websites (local and photography forum based) and i’m going to get it out of my life. because i’m taking it for granted.
the truth is that even if i took a great picture with that camera, i’m too damn critical to notice it anyway. i will never let anyone see it besides my recycle bin. i am getting too spoiled with this.
so i have my phone. and i have my film cameras. if i want something immediate, i’ll use my iphone. because i’m not afraid to post those photos, i label them with ‘taken with my iphone’ and post them to flickr and people marvel that a phone can take the pictures that it does. if i want to create something well dammit, i’m going to take out my film camera. i’m going to frame the shot and take the shot and then i’m going to do what i used to do a long time ago; i’m going to wait. i’m going to think about the photos i’m taking more. i’m going to decide what it is that is worth being printed on film. i’m going to turn myself into the photo loving person i once was.
and god dammit, i’m letting my stupid photography domain expire. the business cards? i’m throwing them away. i will probably never be “ambrosia star photography” again, and i’m going to be okay with that. because as soon as i did that, i stopped being a photographer. i started being the people that i hate. i stopped doing it for the love of taking photos. i started resenting posting photos and the feedback i got on them. i turned into an asshole, and a big one at that.
so no more. i will have the photos that i take for me because i want them. no one else. i’m no longer your wedding photographer or the person you go to when you want pictures of your band. i’m going to go to a show and enjoy it. and if i want to remember something, i’ll have my phone and take a picture. and if i didn’t feel comfortable enough bringing my film camera well then that’s on me.

so i started a 365 project at the very end of last year. so far it’s still going and that’s potentially more than i can say for any other year i’ve started, so i gave it an actual domain and a little more.
so from now on my 365 project will be located at http://365.ambrosiastar.net – this will show both the pictures i have taken and the little summary of my day. if you don’t actually care about the day i had and are just around for the photos i am uploading them twice a week or so to my shuttercal account. maybe if i put this at a few different places on the internet, i’ll think it’s worth keeping around.
the old url of instablam.tumblr.com still works for my project, but this one is just easier to remember if the time came.

now, knowing me i will never touch the project again now that i’ve given it a real live name/location on the internet.

January 

new years day.

i head up to sundance film festival and help Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Nathan Johnson put together music for Morgan M Morgansen’s Date With Destiny. It screens at Sundance (several times) and sxsw later in the year. 

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February 

Ewok and I hang out.

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March 

I get a new lens, take pictures of everything with it. 

and a Twilight something is released at Walmart. I’m take pictures of the chaos.

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April 

Spring comes, and with it pretty flowers and a new camera. 

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May 

Cinco De Mayo (and my first margarita ever!)

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June

Wedding season.

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July

Birthday month and perfect eat outside weather!

and of course, fireworks. 

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August

National Sandwich Month!

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September

The usual.

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October

Surgery

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November

Thanksgiving and winter kind of hitting (kind of. not really. it was sad, actually. worst pretend snowstorm ever).

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December

Christmas and a new cat that I get and have to take back because she is sick and making my other cats sick. Adorable, but really couldn’t keep her.

Things of note: during 2010 I decided to become a massage therapist. I got three surgeries and started going to physical therapy. I reached the most number of followers on tumblr and twitter that I’ve ever reached, removed myself from most of the internet (that in itself is a big deal), and started keeping a journal again. 

Next year I should be starting massage therapy school, moving, and getting a new car.

august 2006. there’s this lump in my breast and it’s scary because like every woman in my life has had breast cancer and i’m next and i’m only 19 and i’m going to die. i also have no insurance. balls.

i talk to my mom about this lump and we look into some financial options for me. we find a place made for women’s health care needs for struggling financial situations. like i said, i’m 19. working in a call center making 8.50 an hour. i’m not exactly rich. so we go to this place. it’s in a school (?) in this little side office with poster board covering the windows. it’s weird and whatever. we go there, i fill out my history and tell them why i’m poor and the lady feels me up and decides that yes, i’m not making this lump up in order to pay a doctor money from someone else’s wallet. so i make an appointment with a surgeon to get it looked at/taken out/whatever.

i go there, they keep me awake, put some local anesthetic on the side of my boob and hack away with a needle that is WAY too big for what they should be doing. they say it’s questionable and send me on my way. i’m serious about this. ‘it’s questionable‘ was the last thing i heard from dr anderson, surgeon extraordinaire. i give them the company’s info that is supposed to pay this bill and i head home, feeling awfully damn violated. the wound (and god damn it was a wound!) was bleeding for weeks. two days after that i had to move out of my apartment and i did no lifting, i just sat with an ice pack in my bra, holding my boob. it was ridiculous. i felt like i was lactating. only blood, and out of the side of my boob. was that a great picture for you or what? i know. you’re welcome.

so then i get the bill from dr anderson. i am the confuse. i call the surgeon asking why they sent it to me and not the company that was supposed to pay it for me. they say ‘oh, must’ve been a mistake’ and tell me they’ll send it over. few (6) months later, i get a bill again, exact same amount. actually no, there was a little bit of interest/late fees added on. i inquire again. the surgeon’s office says that the company they are trying to bill doesn’t exist. sure enough, they don’t. i can’t find them anywhere. i don’t know where they are. they’re not in that school, they’re not listed anywhere, i have no piece of paper saying that the days that i was in there ever even happened. all i have is a really bad scar that later (once i found out i’ve had insurance this whole time but it’s too late to backcharge these bills) i found out was gone about the wrong way. they used way too large a needle, should’ve put me under, and i should have hardly any scar. the first time i went in for an appointment at the hunstman cancer institute where i ACTUALLY get to find out what is in my damn breast i HEARD the girl grimace at the scar they left on me. she just had her eyes wide open and said “and a surgeon did this to you? wow…” this happens every year when i go back for follow up appointments. shit is just getting straight up embarassing now.

so i am stuck with a lot of medical bills and a rather unattractive scar on my left breast. why do i tell you all of this? because i got a call a few days ago, the surgeon is just now putting this into collections… again. he did before. then charged it off. then just now decided against it, apparently. this was four and a half years ago, way to fuck my credit later on after already fucking it once, pal. i really appreciate it.

so i’ve got about 50-60k in bills i get to hassle with. am i going to do this? fuck no. i’m hiring my first ever lawyer. i’m not one to sue, i  probably never will be. but this team of lawyers is going to dispute the fuck out of all of this. i’m kind of excited, honestly. they get to call and i get to say ‘talk to my lawyer’ and there will be one!

i’m like a real life adult. fuck yeah.

i made a list of everything i was going to do in the year 2010. not really a resolution type thing, just a small list of things that i would accomplish within the year. i have no idea where that list is and i’m glad, because truth is, i haven’t done a damn thing.

so it’s december and that means it’s time to make a similar list, only this time it’s on the internet and this time it’s for people to see and what i’m hoping for is this time a year from now someone will ask ’so.. how many of these things did you accomplish?’ and i can answer back ‘all of them.’

but to be realistic, i just want to say ‘most of them’.

the list (which is probably going to be updated/detailed as time goes before 2011) is:

• get a car
• enroll in massage therapy school
• get a new job
• take more photos

that may be it, really. anything else that comes with that will be a bonus. and everytime i start a photo ‘project’ i usually fail. i have a photoblog that i hardly ever update and an iphone that i take a photo usually 5 times a day but never post them anywhere, so maybe that will be my take more photos get out of jail free card. take photos of… everything. food and cats, i’m sure. ewok will make her way into more than half of my internet life next year. but.. whatever else i can get i’ll do.

and uh.. go to more bars. that should happen.

utah’s independance day is july 24th. there was an accident with fireworks a few hours after this happened in this spot, guess some fireworks shot into the crowd.

I never did post about my new camera, did I?

It’s a dream.